my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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