He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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