but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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