turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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