the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
