How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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