Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
