Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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