apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
