$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I can't put those talents on a resume
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
