Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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