Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
