She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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