if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
