I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
