When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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