I like to think it a success when the cops are called
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
