Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
