I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
