i just had sex bonerless
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
