You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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