where am i from again
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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