Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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