Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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