can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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