Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Even my vagina gasped.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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