Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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