I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
