Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
