see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
