Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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