i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
