You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This baby is an asshole
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
