Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
