he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
