I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
