highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
