My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
