Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
