Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
