I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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