How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
