Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
