When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Randomize
