giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
