I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
