1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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