Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
