I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
