Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
