Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
