Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
