the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
